New Year Texan Enlightenments

Happy 2010 2011 Everyone! (I’m going to be scratching out dates until June). Is everyone all rested up and ready for the last year before the Apocalypse?  At least, that’s what John Cusack tells me.

2011 promises to be a fantastic year, not just for me but for the Legal Alien’s travels and stories! Drunken hen nights, European adventures, rugby matches and a royal wedding (Kate Who? I’m talking about my wedding!). The stories to be told… Oh, the antici – wait for it – PATION!

But, all that is to come. To start the New Year, I will first delve into the past. My Christmas break was spent overseas in the backwoods of Texas (aka the burbs of Fort Worth). I’m not sure why, but apparently I felt the need to go all-out hick for a week, since I have gone six months without saying “ya’ll” or wearing cowboy boots, much to my Scottish fiancé, Mike’s, amusement. This, of course, was not helped by the presence of my younger sister. While I moved away to the most un-western/hick country I could think of (“More tea, Agatha?” “No, dear Rupert, I believe the Queen is to make her Christmas Address…”), Lindsey crossed the border of the real life Farmville, known locally as Texas A&M University. Cowboy boots are so revered there that students in the Corps are given "privileged brown leather boots" as seniors – and they consider this a highest honor!

With Lindsey’s catchy enthusiasm, Mike and I were easily persuaded to go out with her and her other Aggie friends to Billy Bob’s Country Western Dance Hall (I couldn’t have made that more southern if I tried). There are many of these dance halls spread across the southern states, and they are all quite similar. There is an unofficial dress code of tank tops, blue jeans, and cowboy boots. Everyone smokes. A large, mechanical bull is just off the dance floor. However, Billy Bob’s takes all of this a step further. Not only is there a mechanical bull, but there is an entire small-scale arena where you can ride a real buckin’ bronco every Friday and Saturday night. There are angry old Texans who throw bar stools at liberals for making a joke about George Bush. Also, other dance halls play 80% country-western and 20% random club music, so just after you’ve finished your two-step the disco lights come out and Timbaland starts jamming for a few songs. Not so at Billy Bob’s. Here it’s 100% country, from the Blue Moon on tap to the BBQ bar. Lindsey and I got very excited when the stereotypical country songs stopped and the hip-hop music started up. We did what any other unsuspecting, non-Texan would do – we jumped on stage and started the awkward circle of club dancing. Mike even successfully attempted The Worm. But after a few moments, we looked around and noticed something strange. These alien creatures of country were line-dancing to Lady Gaga! Is that even possible?!

Oh, it is.

And it is terrifying.

They even lined danced to “Cotton-Eyed Joe”, a travesty which should simply be outlawed. (Everyone knows you must hook arms and scream a few curse words at the top of your lungs throughout “Cotton-Eyed Joe”).

Mike broke records: longest bull time and first Scottish cowboy in Texas

Many hours and 20 blisters later, we returned to the house, high off of our ultra-Texan fix. By the time we arrived home, we had collectively made some important decisions:

1)   New cowboy boots should not be worn for the first time at a line-dance/two-step non-stop frenzy, as you will not be able to walk for three days afterwards.

2)   6 months of a country-western/southern hick void cannot safely be filled in one night, especially when drunken bar fights occur between intoxicated Texans. With guns.

3)   Country-western should not be limited to Texas.

As I have returned to the UK now, though, I am beginning to doubt our third enlightenment. Two days after our arrival in Scotland we received three inches of snow, and, still feeling nostalgic, I decided it would be a brilliant idea to wear my cowboy boots as I made the short walk down our 45˚ angle of a driveway to my front door. Two steps in the snow and I became a human sled and gracelessly careened down the icy slope, much to the amusement of the passing cars and volunteers shovelling the snow at the bottom. I have therefore added an amendment: Country-western should not be limited to Texas, but cowboy boots should.

Well, you can’t say I never learned nothing.

Happy 2011, and stay tuned for many more adventures in the coming year!